Today, I would like us all to remember the infamous Humanist riots of 2019—a sweeping wave of blood-soaked outrage that many claimed made the uproar over The Satanic Verses look like a squabble in a theology book club.
It all started when actor, author, and outspoken Humanist Alan Alda (yes, that Alan Alda) issued a scathing condemnation of Dr. James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, a Colorado-based organization known for its firm stance on marriage, parenting, gender roles, and lovingly “corrective” spanking. In a now-infamous press conference, Alda called not only for Dobson’s immediate demise but also for dismantling every office, publication, and casserole recipe connected to Focus on the Family.
The backlash was swift. Within days, the Japanese translator of Dobson’s latest book was assassinated. His Italian translator and Malaysian publisher were both shot but survived. Booksellers panicked—Barnes & Noble pulled all Dobson-related materials from their shelves, citing an inability to “guarantee the safety of Christian employees due to the overwhelming presence of Humanist regulars in the philosophy aisle.”
In Berkeley, California, two Focus on the Family churches were firebombed by what was believed to be a rogue splinter group of Unitarians. Globally, things got darker. Humanist-majority governments passed laws criminalizing possession of Dobson’s work. In Denmark, owning a paperback copy now earns you three years of hard labor; in Norway, it’s a mandatory 15-month sentence and sensitivity training led by retired librarians. Meanwhile, the British Humanist Association reportedly put a $2 million bounty on Dobson’s head, forcing him to go underground—possibly in a Chick-fil-A.
Matters reached peak absurdity when a series of satirical cartoons depicted Alda (peace be upon him) wielding a knife in a secret mountain compound in South Korea, clutching a copy of Origin of Species and a kale smoothie.
April Fools! None of this ever happened, of course. Humanists don’t issue fatwas, torch churches, or assassinate translators. We don’t put bounties on heads or criminalize ideas. But you can find us in the philosophy aisle of Barnes & Noble — if they still exist.
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